Saturday, June 8, 2013

The American Gestapo: 2013

It's hard to be sarcastic or cynical with Germans.  They tend to take things fairly seriously.

This week, after the Guardian produced this report on the US collection of private data, which likely includes a lot of can imagine the general feeling over this American data collection effort.  Germans who indulge in Facebook or computer activities....probably are a bit testy, and believe that any American within reach....ought to get a mouthful on this topic.

So, this is what an American should respond with....when tasked by a German and the terrible woes of what we collected.

First, let the German know....that we've collected every single call, and have a complete database of eighty million Germans.  We know about the Saturday afternoon calls to their sister, the 8AM call to the boss complaining of some illness, and the weekly calls to some Dutch guy who the husband doesn't know about.

Second, we not only collect the calls....but we collect financial transactions.  We know that they buy special cat-food for Herr Winky (their precious Persian cat).  We know they paid excessively for that all-inclusive trip to Crete.  We know all about the forty complaints they've lodged with the car repair shop and their crappy service.  Plus, we know about the sixty Euro transactions with some local service called "Crazy Sexy".

Third, we monitor each email.  There's some German language folks we've hired from Texas....who spend hours and hours pouring over your daily and weekly email correspondence.  We keep fourteen categories for each email to fit into and these are routinely briefed to President Obama with statistical analysis.

Fourth, we track all Germans with their cellphones.  We know the GPC coordinates, and can spell out the average fourteen trips a month to the local grocery, the five trips to the pharmacy, the two trips to the flower-shop, and some mysterious stop on the third Friday of each month to a bar over by the Rhein River.

Fifth, we monitor their TV habits....via their cable TV hook-up.  We know that Germans actually watch Knight Rider, a lot of Tatort episodes over the weekend, conservative cooking shows at midnight, twelve hours of soccer per week, and always tune to Channel One for their nightly news.

Sixth, at any given time from a secret CIA post in Hesse, we can tap into German telephone lines and listen to intimate conversations.  We've secretly built vast databases on recommended wines, and cheeses.  We've also got a database on the best Thai restaurants in each community and the negative comments over declining German soccer coaches.  We even have one analyst who is building up a database over kabob shops.

Seventh, we are developing an ability to identify every house in Germany, with the dog and cat activity in each.  It'll be marked on a Google map.  We haven't decided on the symbol yet, that's still under discussion (a proud German Sheppard or a wussy poodle).

Eighth, through the use of reconnaissance drones, we are monitoring the grassing cutting average of every single home in Germany.  We can easily identify who perform it weekly, and those who skip and do it every other week.  We also are working a landscaping listing to note the better houses and the better gardens.  You folks in Worms ought to know that you are listed at the bottom of grass cutting on a frequent basis.

Ninth, we hope to have the ability to eventually turn on kid's cellphones and listen into conversations within the home, and develop more in-depth databases.  Complaints about garbage cans not being emptied on schedule, untidy rooms, bathing schedules, and excessive alcohol consumption will be collected and monitored.

Tenth, our eventual hope?  To know each and every German, in an intimate sort of way.  We'd like to be able to walk up to Frau Winter's haus and introduce ourselves, and suggest that we are here to help her and fix all of her problems.  And in sixteen minutes....we go from a "Sie" a "Du".  That would shock German society overnight.

Yes, it is all a diabolical plan.  Conceived by President Bush, and carried out by President Obama.  Even Chancellor Merkel can't stop us.

The odds of a German believing all that?  I would percent.  But there just might be thirty percent of the country who'd believe everything I just spoke of, and that's pretty sad.

Thoughts of an American.....sadly.

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