My German Bear Story

Once in a while.....if someone draws up environmental story on Germany....I will go and pull out the Bruno story.  It's worthy of a book (being factual), but it's more of a epic comedy of things-gone-wrong.  This is the brief condensed version of "Bruno the bear".

Once upon a time....back around 2006....German authorities got this report of a bear sighted down in Bavaria.  This was an odd thing....mostly because they'd killed every single living bear in Germany back one-hundred-and-seventy years ago.  So they searched around and found tracks.

The best they can say....after looking at evidence....he'd cross the border from Austria, and maybe came out of the mountains of Croatia and Italy.

The initial feeling was....wonderful.  We've not had bears in Germany for such a long time, and everyone was thrilled to have a bear.  Naturally, he needed a name, so they named him Bruno.

Now, you'd pause here, and note....Germans haven't had to deal with bears, and typically....bears aren't friendly or vegetarian-types.  So over the next week or two....reports came in....dead sheep.  Dead chickens.  You know...stuff that bears would eat for daily requirements.

So it took around three weeks for Bavarians (not Germans)....to get aggravated and hostile over Bruno.  The authorities met.  You can sense the dramatic nature of right-leaning political figures, hunters, farmers, and journalists.  Other than the soccer world cup going on....there's nothing much, so a bear discussion is big stuff.

Hours were spent, and finally....some leadership authority determined that it was ok to hunt Bruno down....and "dart" him.  That means....tranquilize Bruno enough....load him on a helicopter or truck, and dump him across the border into Austria or otherwise.  We never were sure about this part of the plan.  Other than capturing Bruno....the rest was kinda left to our imagination.  I'm guessing the Swiss were believing in bear-dumping and really didn't want him on their property.  The Austrians were felt the same way.  The Italians might have even enacted radar and had Italian troops placed to prevent any 'bear-dumping'.

So days passed, and a couple of game hunters went out with the tranquilizer guns.  The thing is....you can't just run up on such a bear, and think you got eight seconds to load the dart, aim, and fire.  The damn bear is smart, and he might be on your leg in three seconds.

It's hard to say if the dart-hunters believed in this episode or not.  Their heart probably told them it was a senseless and wasted effort.  They tracked Bruno up and down hills, and after around ten days....came to admit that this stuff just wasn't going to work.

So another meeting of the political folks of Bavaria took place.  They needed real hunters.  Not the local Bavarian guys, or some university professors with dart-guns.  So, it was a short list of bear hunters.

You could hire the Russians....who love a good hunt.  But bringing in some Russians....just gives older Germans some unease.  Russians walking around....guns....vodka every hour.  No.....can't hire the Russians.

So, you go and consider the Americans.  They haul ass, hunt big-time grizzly bears in Alaska, wear $2,455-elk fur jackets, carry expensive GPS modules on their belt, drink Pabst-Blue-Ribbon, and talk honky-talk chatter after hours at one-star saloons.  You just don't want those kind of hunters in Germany....period.

So, you are left with the Finns.  Yeah, I know....the Finns.  It's an odd consideration.  Finns hunt bears with passion.  Few, if any.....Germans....have ever met a Finn.  So, there's a natural feeling....if you haven't heard nothing bad, it must be good (that's German logic, not mine).

So the Bavarian political guys chat over this topic, and find some Finn bear hunters who would come down.  There's a price in getting them to Bavaria, but it's not like hundreds of thousands of Euro.  Looking back, it was probably enough to pay for hotel expenses, food, booze, and maybe a souvenir beer mug at the end.

The Finns drive down.  Yeah, it's a fairly long drive.  But they have to haul their special bear-hunter dogs...the Karelian Bear Dogs.  What Finns will say....there's no dog like this in the world, and they hunt bears until hell freezes over.  No one was around in Germany to know much about the dogs....but they assumed that Karelian dogs must be awful determined dogs.

The Finns arrive....get briefed up, and pick the last known location of Bruno.  Then, the next morning....the hunt starts.

It's best to say that it's summer in Germany....kinda hot....and you really do sweat a bit in the middle of the day.  By mid-afternoon, the Finns have encountered three issues.

First, Finland is a place with sloping hills, a gentle summer temperature, and a guy can wander around all day.  Germany....especially in Bavaria....has some depth to its hills, and tires a guy out in just three or four hours.

Second.  The temperature?  Well....close to ninety degrees.  It's safe to say that the Finn guys were awful parched and in a state of dehydration at the end of day one.

Three.  The Karelians?  Well....it's an interesting thing.  These dogs live and hunt in an area where it's awful damn cold in the winter, and just barely moderate heat in the summer (80 degrees would be considered HOT for a Finn).  So, the Karalians at the end of day one....were finished off and just weren't going much further.

Finns aren't stupid.  With that said....they spent that night grooming (cutting) the Karelians hair, and they tended to look half-Karelian and half-Poodle the next day.  Well...maybe not Poodle-like, but they just weren't the same fierce dog that arrived on day one.

Days were spent with the Finns.  Up and down hills.  Bruno led them on a great chase.  After around ten days....nothing.  The political guys were a bit peeved.  They expected action.  The Finns?  I suspect they were dead tired by the tenth day.

Onto plan "C".  The Finns were relieved of the job, and open season was announced.  Yeah....any German hunter with a gun....could haul out and track Bruno down....as of such-and-such day.

Strangely enough....that was all it took.  Some guy found the trail....hunted Bruno on day one of the open-hunt, and got him.  That's all it took.  No fancy darts.  No Finns.  Just open season.

Now, a debate started up.  You see....Bruno was shot in an area that was halfway between two counties....so they both piped up that they deserved the body of Bruno (for display purposes).  Some folks wanted to claim the bear for commercial gain (don't ask, I have no idea how you'd make a buck off a dead Italian bear in Germany).    Finally, Bavaria (the state) stepped in and said that Bruno was a state bear....so they'd put him with the collection in Munich....where the last known bear in Germany....was also mounted on display.

I kinda know this part because I went down to the museum and actually saw the real Bruno on display.

Bears in Germany.  Well...if any German environmentalist pipes up in a conversation about bringing the wolves and bears back into Germany....he's mostly blowing hot-air.  The last thing on Earth that Germans appreciate....is wild animals of a threat.

Personally, I think there's a four-star movie script here waiting.....big-game hunter American (Clint Eastwood), environmentalist (some trampy British gal), some German comedian (Gerd Dudenhoffer) in the mix.  Course, it'd end badly for the bear, and we might need to rework this ending to be a kinder, gentler, and more productive situation.